Dear Car Thief: You’re Mean!

Dear Car Thief,

I was very disappointed last winter when I was in the middle of my online Dominoes Pizza order, and going out to my car to grab my wallet I found you had been in my car.  First, it interrupted my pizza order, and I think I ended up eating a frozen one instead. Not cool. Second, you left my car a mess — with my loose change dumped on the floor, and my expired documents from my glove compartment strewn all over the place. Thirdly, and most upsetting, you stole my wallet!

Now, upon further reflection, I have actually softened my heart toward you after concluding that you didn’t take my wallet for the money (for there was no cash in there and you left the loose change on the floor).  Now I realize that you are probably a very ugly person who’s ashamed of their own ID, and after seeing my handsome Driver’s License photo, you decided to make it your own new ID. I’m flattered. Keep it – I got a newer, more sexy one to take its place!

However, I was much more upset this morning to discover, over a year later, you stopped by again last night to break into my wife’s car this time. First, you’re lucky!  Keri never leaves her car unlocked — so the car-thief gods must really be fond of you. Second, I was surprised that you even bothered with her car as beat up and messy as it is.  I mean, my sharp black car with an inviting “Love Wins” bumper sticker just cries out, “Come, help yourself!”  But the dented up, blotch spray-painted Lumina should have been less inviting. (Sorry, Keri.)

Thirdly, I must admit that I’m impressed with your courage and persistence.  Hitting up the same house twice in a year takes a degree of guts — or stupidity!  I’m asking Santa for a wild game camera to mount on my house for surveillance in the future.  So, think twice before you come back — that is, if stupid criminals think at all. Also, your willingness to sift through all of Keri’s stuff all over the floors and seats makes you braver than me!  I’m scared to go near it when she asks me to get the groceries from it. (Sorry again, Keri.)

But I have to ask: Does a criminal stop and ponder for a minute during a job when they see a cute little infant seat in the back?  Did you stop to think about how sad our little guy’s gonna be when he finds out a mean thief stole our GPS we’d use to get him to the hospital in case of emergencies?  Did you think about all the hours of fun you’re going to steal from his life now that we can’t find our way to the zoo, or parks, the world’s largest ball of twine, or Chuck’E’Cheeze pizza?

Oh, Mr. (or Miss) Car Thief, you stole more than a GPS last night.  You stole a 2 month old’s future happiness! Shame on you.

But, again, I’m a softy.  And the more I think about your sad situation, the more compassion I have picturing a lonely directionally-challenged car thief getting lost in the back allies of Mound.  I thought, how frustrating it would be trying to get your stolen goods to the Pawn Shop before close and getting lost on the way.  Well, I hope you enjoy the GPS — the lady’s voice on there was actually starting to bother me anyways.

But…I should remind you that stealing from a pastor might just get you….well…lost in a place where a GPS won’t be of much help.

So, dear car thief, you have done it again.  You’re mean.

PS: To all those who laugh when we say we live in the ghetto of Mound: Told ya!

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